Have you ever taken a sneak peak at your lover’s cell phone messages?
Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to check the history on your lover’s computer?
Do you check Facebook to make sure your lover is walking the talk?
There are two points to this issue of betrayal:
- You have a problem if you are obsessing (can’t stop thinking about what someone might be doing).
- You need to confront yourself and talk with someone who you can trust about your feelings (preferably the person you are checking on).
If you find you don’t trust your lover what’s that all about? Why are you with this person?
Getting underneath to the heart of the matter can be quite difficult to do because many of us are quite skilled at denial. Denial is blocking out, not feeling, not seeing what’s really going on. Denial typically masks a feeling which leads to a belief that is negative about us. For example, I feel uneasy that he just doesn’t seem completely present with me when we are together. In other words you make an observation. Thoughts are: I’m undeserving of such a wonderful person and I know they are looking for someone else; nobody ever stays with me; I know they are going to leave me and so on. The feelings get stronger; they are going to betray you; you just have to check out these suspicions. The urges are so strong now that the only thing that will satisfy you and release from these urges is to check them out. At this point you have another decision to make: Do I talk with them about how I am feeling and risk finding the truth or do I decide that’s too scary to be upfront with them? So the easy way out, so you think, is take a sneak peak on some electronic gadget for the absolute truth about you and your lover.
Then you check and you find they are betraying you – then what do you do? Withdraw, pout, rage, be submissive and do everything they want and have thoughts like I just knew it. Nobody cares about me; they never have. Now you are justified in figuring out a way to get back at them. I want to punish them, hurt them like they hurt me. Do you see where all of this going? Revenge doesn’t work either, but that’s for another blog. You will repeat the pattern with the next person unless you decide to look at the sabotaging beliefs that make up your story. Here’s a hint: These negative beliefs you hold about your self are not true. They were never true, but it made sense at the time. After all, it’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
What if you find nothing? What does that mean? Now you are justified in feeling guilty. What a horrible person I am for thinking these thoughts and then to actually go to their cell phone for evidence. Really? I must be crazy. I don’t deserve a person like them. See the pattern?
The driving force in relationships is our story about our self. Stories consist of beliefs. Beliefs are learned in childhood. We can examine our beliefs and we can decide that we are deserving of a relationship that is nourishing for our souls. There will be many twists and turns along the way. You will have a strong pull to return to the old ways like hooking up with untrustworthy people to prove that you are unlovable. Just know you can change if you observe, examine your story and choose to make another decision rather keep choosing the same option and hoping you will get different result.